Wednesday, February 27, 2013


I am terrified.

Why am I terrified, you ask?

Well, let me tell you.

I am in a relationship, a pretty serious one if I’m interpreting things correctly. All signs indicate that Daniel and I will be together for a good long while. Probably not forever (I refuse to start thinking in forever terms), but at least for the rest of the year. If not longer. We’ve agreed that there’s very little we can see that would break us up. That doesn’t mean that there ISN’T something that could, but still.

So, why does this terrify me?

Because it means that I have some serious emotions building up inside me; emotions that could rip me apart in the right conditions. And there’s this tiny, nagging thought in the back of my head: what if it’s all pretend?

What if, like Corin, he’s just been pretending this whole time? He’s just been leading me on to see if he could get me to like him? This is all just some elaborate prank?

You see, that tiny, nagging thought in the back of my head keeps saying, “He might be leading you on. He might be trying to get you to fall for him, and then he’s going to hurt you. He’s going to make you pay for what you did to Josh.”

It’s not that I think Daniel’s capable of that. Well, I suppose I do if I’m thinking about it at all, but when I analyze the fear with my logical side, I know that he isn’t. He would never do that to me, or to anyone else, for that matter. Daniel isn’t cruel.

But still, that tiny, nagging thought in the back of my head continues to pop up at random times. Then I start to wonder, “What if it’s true? What then? How can I keep from getting hurt again?”

Those of you that have read through my Corin posts know that I was highly affected by that whole debacle. Corin hurt me, and badly. And we weren’t even dating!

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that there ISN’T a way to keep from getting hurt. I can’t turn off my feelings for Daniel, nor do I want to. If, at the end of the month, or year, or whenever, he turns to me and says, “Oh, I just wanted to let you know that this whole thing was a lie,” I will be greatly devastated.

Again, RATIONALLY there isn’t even a chance of this happening. I know that. It’s my insecurities that don’t realize it. I think that I will forever be doubting if he, or whatever guy I’m with at the time, truly likes me. I had enough trust issues BEFORE Corin ripped me to shreds, and since then... well, let’s just say that things aren’t pretty deep inside.

I guess what I’m saying is: I’m scared. I’m scared of being hurt, and I’m scared of caring about someone enough so that they can hurt me. But I think EVERYONE is scared of that, to some degree. At least, I hope so. I’d really like to be considered normal, for once.

Thursday, February 14, 2013


I'm becoming gooier, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Well, those of you who actually read my posts, anyway. In the spirit of the holiday, I thought I'd post. Sorry I haven't in such a long time, but there really hasn't been anything to talk about lately. My weeks are pretty much exactly the same all the time.

However, back to what I said in my first sentence.

Having a boyfriend is a bit... different this time around. Perhaps because I actually have real feelings for him this time.

As you all know by now, I'm not the biggest fan of romance or anything. Unlike most girls, I don't swoon over romance novels or think kissing in the rain is super cute. It's just wet. When a guy says something vaguely sweet or romantic, I make a face and gag a little.

Or, at least, I used to.

Now... well, I still cringe at the sweeter things Daniel may happen to say to me (although he usually apologizes in advance, so it's okay), but I certainly get more giddy about it than anything else. Unless he's being intentionally gross (with OMG I LUV U BABY I LUV YOU 5EVER XOXO), I find myself... I don't know, liking the nice things he says.

Is this a big deal? Maybe not. But while I like the things he says, I'm not sure that I like that I like them. You know? For most of my life, I've been skeptical of romance and all things gushy. I still am. But it was a matter of pride for me that I could sit back and say, "Oh, yes, if a guy ever said that to me I would laugh in his face."

Now... depending on what was said, I might not.

I mean, if he came up to me tomorrow and declared undying love for me and proposed or something, I would definitely laugh in his face. But that's extreme, and deserves such a reaction.

For something a bit more normal, I just might blush.

Yeah, you read that right. I might blush.

Shut up.