Monday, April 30, 2012

This Isn't Funny. Sorry.

Let's talk about words.

They're very powerful things.

With a single word, you can change someone's life. Whether for the better or the worse is up to you.

Now. Words are tricky little buggers. There are words that are synonyms, but have different connotations.

Example: Love versus adore. They're often used interchangeably. They do have very similar meanings. But to adore something gives the connotation that whatever that thing is (or person, whatever), it is on a pedestal. You are placing it above everything else. It is something (or someone) you admire. Love is much more basic, in that you are on the same level. You may put it ahead other things, but it is because of affection, not admiration.

Maybe you can see where I'm going with this. Maybe not. I don't know. It's late for me, and I'm typing this as I'm in the middle of a... discussion.

I "hooked up" with a friend of mine. Is it really hooking up if you don't have sex? I don't know. I don't understand the technicalities of this stuff. Anyway. He had told me that he likes me, has since he first got to know me, blah blah blah. I have no feelings for him that way. He's my friend, nothing more. We fooled around because I've missed it, and you know what, I'm 19. If I want to kiss a guy, I can. As long as I'm not stupid about it, it's not anyone else's place to judge me.

Now, before you go and say that I shouldn't have done that when I knew he liked me and I had no feelings for him, just stop. I checked and checked and checked with him to make sure he understood my point of view, and that he was okay with it. Sure, he could lie. And if he did, oh well. He knew where I stood. It's not like I'm coy. I'm a pretty blunt individual.

So. We did this, and it was fun. I enjoyed myself, and he enjoyed himself.

Well, the topic of his usual "type" came up. And guess what? Like every other annoying man, he likes dumb blondes. Which I most certainly am not. When I mentioned that, he agreed that I wasn't, and that he was interested in me because I'm different from that. So of course, I asked what in the world appealed to him about idiots. I personally can't stand them, no matter the hair colour.

He finds them sexy, and they make him feel smarter. Okay, all right, I can understand that. He likes feeling better than these girls, and likes how they make him feel physically. But he apparently likes me, because I'm "different." Did that mean that he thinks I'm normal (not sexy), and make him feel like he's got average intelligence?

Yes, yes it did.

Girls, you can appreciate just how AWFUL that was to read. Yeah, whatever, he likes that I'm not like everyone else he's dated. But he also just said that I'm not attractive to him. No girl wants to hear that. Hell, no PERSON wants to hear that. I asked if I was just some sort of experiment, and he said "pretty much, lol."

First: I hate the phrase "lol." I'm not sure why. It's just so... stupid. Seeing it irks me. Second: he really must not understand girls at ALL, because he's just making things worse for everyone involved. I'm feeling like an ugly piece of trash he just picked up to prove to himself and his friends that he can be deep and shit. Now, I know him. He's really not that much of a jerk. He just doesn't know that what he's saying is hurtful. I don't have to be interested in him romantically to be hurt by the fact that he thinks I'm some sort of toy with no legitimate emotions.

When I explained this to him, he said he hadn't meant it that way. That he thinks I'm pretty (not the same as being found sexy, aka physically attractive in a useful way), and that he's interested in me, and that I should know he wouldn't use me like that.

I don't know that. I don't know that at all. I have lot of trust issues, especially with men, as I've mentioned before. It's my problem, something I have to deal with. But I'm not going to sit here and get told that I shouldn't have to worry about him hurting me or using me or whatever. If I don't, who will?

The moral of the story: think before you say/type something. Look at it from all angles. You can never have a truly neutral statement, but you should strive to NOT say something that's EASILY taken as more than it is. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. That means you use the correct words for exactly what you want to say. You don't say, "I like you" when you mean "I think you're interesting and want see if there's anything there". And if you DO mean what you're saying, if you DO mean that you think the girl isn't attractive and you're just trying her on for size, be up front about it. Don't hide behind platitudes and attempts to smooth her feathers when she gets upset.

Just say, "It is what it is." Honestly, it's the lack of understanding that's upsetting me here. If he's not attracted to me, whatever. If he's just trying to see if he could like a girl like me, whatever. He just needs to own up to it. I would feel a lot less... lied to and cheated if he had said all that from the beginning.

Sorry for the long rant. People these days just don't seem to understand that every word holds power, and this was a prime example. Just a few phrases bandied about by a guy you don't even like can affect you. If people could fathom that, there'd be a lot less confusion.

So be blunt, people. Tell it like you mean it, the way you see things. Yeah, people might not like you. People might call you mean, or a bitch, or rude. But at least they'll know where you stand. And your real friends will know that they can trust you.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Boy Disease

I have a disease.

Don't worry, it's nothing serious.

You see, I have this disease where pretty much every guy I am decent friends with ends up having "feelings" and wants to a) date me, b) kiss me, c) have fun adult time with me, or d) all of the above. It may not sound that bad - hey, at least guys like me, right? WRONG.

These guys are my FRIENDS. If I wanted to do any of those aforementioned things with them, I WOULD HAVE BY NOW. Yeah yeah yeah, feelings can develop after time, but that hasn't happened with me. I'm the type who knows how she feels the first time she meets someone, and it's rare for that to change. Mer.

I mean, really, it's becoming a problem. Telling them that I'm not interested makes me feel AWFUL, because they're my friends and I don't want to hurt their feelings. But I also don't want to lead them on. And as I'm a horrible flirt... that invariably happens. I've recently become a tease as well, trying to embrace my mother's legacy and leave a wake of yearning boys behind me. AS LONG AS I'M NOT ACTUALLY FRIENDS WITH THEM.

Let's see. The first time this happened was sophomore year. My friend Chris asked me out, and I had to tell him no. I almost cried over it, because it's just so awful to look at a guy who's staring at you all hopeful and tell him "Sorry, but we're just friends and there's no chance of that changing." We're still friends, but it was a little awkward after that.

Then there was Tanner. I've known him my whole life. We used to put frogs in the girls' bathroom at the campsite we went to every year. We fought (like, wrestling and punching and kicking and the whole shebang) all the time. Like the summer after sophomore year, he admitted to me that he'd been like in love with me forever. I'm pretty sure my face was screaming WHAT IS THIS WHAT ARE THESE WORDS YOU ARE LIKE MY BROTHER NO. Once again, we're still friends, but we don't fight anymore (I'm just NOT comfortable with that anymore, nuh uh). I don't even understand why he'd like me. I'm super mean to him.

Let's skip ahead to the worst one of all. Kyle, my BROTHER (well, not my real brother, but we told everyone at school we were so they'd leave us alone about dating) told me a few months ago that he likes me. A lot. And that he has since last year. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS. I'd always had this fear in the back of my head that this would happen - when he finally liked a girl, it would be me. And it came true. He was terribly sweet about the whole, very understanding about my distress (I couldn't help bawling into my hands at that point), and said that no matter what he was still my best friend. We're definitely still friends, and in fact went to see The Hunger Games together.

I'm sure there are worse things to be plagued with, but this is pretty bad, I think. I have to constantly hurt my friends, and because I'm selfish I don't leave them alone after all this, so they have to keep dealing with my flirting and my teasing and my awesomeness. Sigh. If I had stayed unattractive, I don't think this would be a problem...

Friday, April 20, 2012


Remember that short story I mentioned ages ago during the whole Corin debacle? Of course not, that was ages ago. Anyway. I found it today, after searching forever and ever. It's only three pages long. I'm going to post it because I said I would.

She sits at the table, incessantly jiggling her leg up and down, up and down. Anyone watching her would assume she had no worries, except for that leg. Her expression remains serene, and her other movements, the ones visible above the table, have an unhurried and calm energy.

He stands across the room, staring at her. From his angle, he cannot see that leg moving up and down, up and down. All he sees is her expression, and her long graceful fingers lifting a mug to her lips. Knowing her as well as he does, he knows she is drinking tea, not coffee.

As he approaches, the little details of her appearance become clearer. First he sees the shape of her eyes, her lips, her nose. Then the eye color appears, the light flush of her cheek, the arch of her eyebrows. Finally, when he reaches the table, he sees her freckles, the slight chapping of her lips, her long dark eyelashes. He finds her beautiful.

She feels him approaching but never turns. In her mind, she fills in his details. The dark gray-blue of his eyes. His large hands, which hers only fit because of the absurd length of her fingers. The light brown of his feathery hair. She, too, finds him beautiful. But his is a deadly beauty.

He sits down across from her. She glances at him, allows a brief smile that seems more smirk than anything else, and takes another sip of her chamomile. Neither speaks until the waitress comes over, and then he orders tea as well. As the waitress walks off, they return to their silence. She stares out the window. He stares at her, but constantly glances away for fear that she will notice or that he will say something he shouldn't.

The waitress returns, sets his cup down, and leaves again. As he stirs a spoonful of sugar into the tea, he finally opens his mouth.

 "Well ... hello."

She smirks again.

 "Hello. I wasn't sure you'd come."

He smiles nervously, clutching his mug.

"I almost didn't. You're making me nervous. Why did you want to meet?"

She sighs. Picks up her cup. Goes to take a sip and changes her mind. Sets it back down. Her mind returns to the last time they met.

They laughed. Effortless repartee filled any and every silence. It differed from this meeting in so many ways. The only similarity is that they are both here, with unacknowledged feelings bubbling under every glance and every word. She misses the ease they used to share, but does not want it back.

When she finally looks up at him, he appears vaguely impatient, but his expression clears when he sees the pain reflecting in her eyes. Without warning, he leans forward and takes her hands in his. Though she knows she should pull away, she does not. She is weak, and she wants his wonderfully warm hands on her perpetually cold ones.

"You are trying to manipulate me." She looks away, back out the window. The sea glints in the sunlight, waves moving laconically.

Offended, he pulls away. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You know."

"I do not. Stop trying to come across as the victim."

Her eyes flash angrily. "I am the victim. So is she. You are the perpetrator. No amount of denying it will remove the blame."

He flinches away from her irate glare, but he speaks in a direct tone.

 "I gave you every opportunity to stop. You were the one who wished to continue."

"Were you a better man, you would not have left the decision up to me. You would have done what was right. But you're selfish."

Twisting the mug in his hands crossly, he scowls at the table. "So are you."

"Did I ever deny it?"

He sighs. "No. You admitted it freely."

"And you continually put it onto me to decide. All you really wanted was to have both of us."

"Is that so wrong?"

"It is when you won't tell her. If I hadn't already known about her, you wouldn't have told me."

His expression darkens. "You don't know that."

She gives a scornful laugh.

 "I do."

Silence falls again, and she returns her gaze out the window, to the ocean. He stares at the ceiling. She is right, and he knows it. As usual, she sees straight through him. He had only hoped that she wouldn't notice this until it was far too late. Until she was desperate.

She watches the brief flashing of a distant dolphin fin. At this moment, she feels as though she can hear every word he has ever spoken to her, and she wonders if he only said those things in an attempt to seduce her. It is quite possible he feels nothing, and she must prepare herself for that revelation. Never has she let a man get the best of her, and she will not start now.

"I meant everything I said," he tells her softly. Though he doesn't know for sure that's where her thoughts are, he thinks it probable. Her expression is too cold to suggest anything else.

"That is highly unlikely," she replies.

She stands up and stares down at him. He looks scared, desperate, and ever so slightly relieved.


 She leaves.

He stares at her mug. The tea is only half gone, the light yellow of it reflecting the butter color of the sunlight.

 It is over. She didn't even say his name, and he knows she will never say it again.
 Gulping his tea, he burns his tongue. It is all he feels.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Pottermore: Kinda Awesome, and Kinda Boring. All at the Same Time.

That's right, I've joined Pottermore. Almost Boyfriend sent me a text Sunnday night saying that he'd gotten in, and was a Gryffindor. No wonder we didn't work out. Anyway. I joined Monday, aka yesterday. My username on there is FangSickle20464 if you want to add me. And you should. Right now I have a few friends, of whom I know ONE.

It's very obvious that Pottermore is a beta site. While it looks fantastic (like, seriously, the graphics and such are phenomenal), it freezes up quite a bit, and you have to click five billion times before anything happens. I just exit the screen and go right back, because that seems to work.

You have to go through every chapter of the first book, which means you don't get sorted or given a wand for quite a bit, depending on how often it freezes for you. Plus, getting your confirmation email takes ages too, because everyone and their mom is signing up for Pottermore.

However, once you get through, it's quite fun. You get quizzed on things while Ollivander picks out your wand, which is cool. I got an alder wand (not to be confused with elder), unicorn hair core, eleven inches, and slightly springy. I love it. I've named him Raphael. You also have to pick a pet. I picked a black cat, and named him Occido. Like in the books, toads don't seem very popular.

For the Sorting Hat, you're faced with a bunch of questions, most of which don't seem to make any sense as to your character. This is the most nerve-wracking time for most joiners - everyone has a house they thought they'd be in, and yet they got sorted in a different one. I was so worried about not being a Slytherin that I vowed to not play if I wasn't one. Luckily, I got sorted into the correct house :) Did you know that Merlin himself was a Slytherin? I didn't think so. Take that, haters.

Once you've gone through all the chapters and collected all the stuff lying around, there's not a whole lot to do. The other books aren't open yet, so you have to stay in book one and just run around the different chapters hoping to find something you missed. The only other way to get house points is to have a wizard duel with one of the other houses (I'm just practicing at the moment. There's no need to get overzealous and end up giving another house some points), or make potions. Making potions is a touch more difficult than it seems, but not too hard. The worst part is waiting for the potions to brew. If you don't have a fast brewing cauldron, you have to wait nearly an hour for some potions to brew. I'm hesitant to spend my money on another cauldron when the one I have works just fine, so I'm bound to sit around waiting for the rest of my life.

So yeah. Pottermore is kinda awesome when you first start playing, aside from the freezing. Once you're done with the first book, though... it's kinda boring.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I Know I've Been Neglecting You and I'm Sorry

I've just been SUPER busy lately and every time I come on here to check stats I get this guilty feeling that makes me feel awful because I haven't posted and it's just so sad that I want to vomit. Although that might be the chocolate pie drowned in whipped cream I just ate talking.

So, you ask, what have I been busy with? Let's see. Work. Lots and lots of work. And class. And this weekend I had to help clean the house for Easter and it took forever because my mother is never happy with what's been done and needs more done all the way to the hour before everyone gets here.

I've also been writing a lot, which is nice. I'm about 25 pages into a new novel, which isn't really new because it's a revamped version of a previous novel attempt that I got about 40,000 words into before it stopped working even though I loved the characters and knew where it was going. So I've still got the same characters and basic idea, it's just... different. If any of you know anything about how military schools are run, I'd love some info.

For Easter, I got some lovely gifts. Four different things of nailpolish, all of which are gorgeous and I love them. I also got Tangled on DVD, and I'm super excited even though I don't understand how it's only the hair on her head that's magic and not every hair on her body and why couldn't she have just cut most of her hair and left a single magic strand for emergencies? Anyway. I also got candy, which makes me happy because candy is delicious.

I can't really focus right now, so I'll post something better later when I'm not hyped up on sugar.