Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm Sorry I'm Not a Man

This is for anyone who comes here via my profile on Amazon.

You see, I entered the Amazon Breakthrough Novelist Award Contest. Surprisingly, I made it through the first round, and will find out if I've made it through the second on March 20th. I'm very, very nervous to see the reviews of my excerpt (I've heard some rough stuff, and I'm building up my armor now so that I can laugh off anything the reviewers throw at me).

Anyway. I'm using a pen name, Will Belacqua. It's a very meaningful name if you've read the His Dark Materials series. If you haven't you can appreciate how pretty a name it is.

The problem (although it's not really a problem) is that everyone thinks I'm a dude.

I am not.

Admittedly, this was my goal. If I wrote a book and used my actual name, Virginia, people would assume I'm less of a writer, because people are stupid and STILL think that girls only care about romance even though J.K. Rowling is a girl. I'm not saying EVERYONE does this, but plenty certainly do. And thus the pseudonym.

But I never intended for my fellow participants to think I'm a man. It's amusing (my favourite comment being "you just want the ladies to 'read' all over you"), but I'm certainly a girl, and a straight one at that. So if any of you were feeling affronted by this blog proving that I'm indeed a girl and you can't bone me because I'm not a guy, I'm sorry. For those of you now excited because I am actually a girl and you CAN bone me... well, maybe if you're attractive enough.

If I WERE a guy, however, I'm sure I'd be a great one. People tell me I'm mannish all the time, mostly because of my belching abilities and the fact that I punch pretty dang hard. I get the feeling I'd be like the narrator in "Gargoyle". You know, a manwhore who makes porn and ends up getting burned up in a fire. Without the burning and porn, of course. Well, probably without the porn. There's a lot of money to be made there.

Once again, I'm sorry I'm not a sexy, 20-something man with awesomeness oozing out of every pore. Instead, I'm a sexy, 19-going-to-be-20-soonish girl with awesomeness oozing out of every pore. This is sad news for some, great news for others.

Anyway. Wish me luck with ABNA! Or at least hope that none of the reviewers say anything that make me homicidal.

Friday, February 10, 2012

That Goddamn Hufflepuff Really Doesn't Know Much About Slytherins

David has struck again, and honestly, I don't know what makes him think he's so special and great that he can say such inane, rude things without anyone calling him out on it. Here, let me type out the entire conversation on Facebook, with all mistakes and such remaining. And no, this was not in a personal message. All of this was on my status, which read, "That awkward moment when your self-defense teacher looks at you and asks very seriously, 'Are you sure you're not so clumsy it's considered disabled?'"

Hufflepuff (David): how are you going to do self defence if your disabled? lol

Slytherin (Me): Well, one of the moves we learned yesterday is all focused stumbling, which I'm pretty damn good at.

Hufflepuff: ....isn't your normal aggressive attitude enough of a self defense?

Slytherin: Usually. This is for if I'm in a dark alley (don't ask me why I'm there, I don't know either) and the other person attacks before realizing that I'm quite possibly part demon.

(Note that thus far, we're both polite and such. Don't worry, it'll change soon.)

Hufflepuff: Usually that other person has a: knife, trazer, gun,.pepper spray, or superior training. All of which you should just run from. Not stay and fight.

(Notice now that he's doing what he always does, which is assume that he knows everything and whomever he's speaking to is a complete moron and knows nothing.)

Slytherin: 1) We WILL be learning how to disarm people, 2) pepper spray doesn't work on me; it's like I got sprayed with water, 3) if he grabs me, it's not like I can run away so knowing how to break his knee/jaw is pretty damn useful. This isn't for attacking someone, it's for DEFENSE. Thus the name.

Hufflepuff: Yet I'm gonna bet your going to use it as an offense any way. Lets put that pepper spray to the test. I'll bring some opsicum capsicum spray to church. (o.c. Spray). You may be learning how to disarm someone. But anyone with a gun, knife would have you dead to rights. Any trained knife fighter knows what to do. -_- I'm all for spraying you with o.c. Spray though. n.n

Slytherin:  I'm sure you are -_- And yes, most people who attack others in a dark alley know EXACTLY what they are doing. NOT. And I've never heard the phrase "dead to rights". Why can't I be dead to lefts, or dead to wrongs? So discriminatory.

(See, even after he's a jerk and slightly threatening, I make jokes. It's what I do. It's endearing to most people, or rather people with any sense.)

Hufflepuff: .............so Ill spray you on sunday? oh and your going to have to sign a nondisclosure agreement and a couple other things that mean you cant sue me or harm me in retaliation

Slytherin: I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt you can have such documents ready by Sunday and have them both checked for grammar (any mistakes and the agreement is void, because that's how I roll) and loop-hole free. So alas, I'm going to have to turn down your offer.

Hufflepuff: -_- I find it easy to write legally binding documents.

Slytherin: Please demonstrate this on Sunday. I'd love to see how you manage it. I'll be sure to bring highlighters and a red pen.

(You can tell that my sarcasm and snarkiness are becoming a bit more strained as he irritates the hell out of me.)

Hufflepuff: I have oc spray available. The document doesn't need to be long. Just needs to express that you complied with any of the following proceedings up to and including the exposure to oc spray. And that in no way will I be reprimanded for my actions.and hereafter any physical affront made by you will be responded to in like kind and strength with disregard to any preceding events. and that was on a mobile phone :) get owned.

Slytherin: If you put all of that into writing, it still wouldn't be a legal document. Sorry. Oh, and there were grammar mistakes, so I would have to void it even if it were. Plus, you had statements that contradicted each other. Thus, I think it shall be you getting owned.

Hufflepuff: a mobile phone without spell check or grammer check. I was going for phrasing not validity. Your a bitch btw. Just thought you should know. You make Gregory House look like a nice man. and by the way my statement didnt contradict itself. I ...just made it clear that I wouldnt take into account that I had sprayed you with O.C. spray. Just respond in the same way as anyone who was getting assaulted by a vertically challenged individual that thinks they can get away with hitting people without retribution

And that is the end of our conversation. Other people commented, but they're not who we're here to talk about. So yeah. I'm incensed that he would call me a bitch in front of my friends on Facebook. That's just trashy. I don't do that to people, so they should not do that to me.

Am I wrong here? Did I say something completely awful that merited getting called a bitch? I don't think so, and neither does the neutral first party I asked.

So now, I am no longer Facebook friends with David, and I have blocked him. You should all be proud of me for not going off on him and remaining very cordial in a message telling him that I don't appreciate such words bandied about on my Facebook, and if he feels that way then there is no reason for us to remain friends.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Zombies! Why Yes, I AM Talking About This.

The zombie apocalypse has been a topic of discussion for a few years now, and after spending all that time coming up with strategies with several different parties, I've come up with a perfect defense.

After escaping the zombie hord with the aid of a few choice companions (a misanthropist with far too many weapons to be considered safe, an apathetic man with a plethora of weapons as well and the fierce desire to defend me, the first one's girl, and possibly a few others if they happen to be around at the time), I'd ride in our Jeep (it's actually the misanthropist's, and bright yellow in colour. I've nicknamed it "The Armored Canary") to a few requisite supply stores. Hopefully they won't be too cleaned out. We'd load up on non-perishable food items, weaponry, camping gear, etc. Then I'd ask to be dropped off in Brazil, and of course they'd be welcome to join me.

Why Brazil, you ask?

Because of the Amazon Rainforest, of course.

The Amazon Rainforest is easily the best place to go for protection from the zombies. After all, if you're living in a tree, the zombies can't get to you. They can't climb. Getting through the river will prove a bit of a challenge for them, because a lot of the fishies enjoy rotting flesh as a main course. And then there are all those lovely decomposers in the forest that just adore getting more nutrients.

Then there's the fact that there are so many natural resources. You'll have plenty of food (if you know what's edible, which I will, what with my degree in wildlife biology), plenty of firewood, and plenty of water.

Other people (besides the indigenous peoples, of course) won't bother you there. It'd be too difficult to navigate if you don't know your way, cutting down all the trees isn't possible or even smart, and they probably won't even think to look for anyone there anyway. This saves you from raids, which rambling groups of survivors will surely be participating in.

So while I'm in the rainforest, I will keep tabs on the outside world by traveling once a month to the edges so that I can see how things are progressing. Without a food source, the zombies will begin either to decompose completely or to eat themselves. I figure that after about ten to fifteen years, once those who've survived are quarenteened and the zombies die off, I'll be able to emerge. If I want to, that is.

This is also my plan for the impending robot take-over. Or aliens. It's a good plan because it's so flexible.