I am terrified.
Why am I terrified, you ask?
Well, let me tell you.
I am in a relationship, a pretty serious one if I’m interpreting things correctly. All signs indicate that Daniel and I will be together for a good long while. Probably not forever (I refuse to start thinking in forever terms), but at least for the rest of the year. If not longer. We’ve agreed that there’s very little we can see that would break us up. That doesn’t mean that there ISN’T something that could, but still.
So, why does this terrify me?
Because it means that I have some serious emotions building up inside me; emotions that could rip me apart in the right conditions. And there’s this tiny, nagging thought in the back of my head: what if it’s all pretend?
What if, like Corin, he’s just been pretending this whole time? He’s just been leading me on to see if he could get me to like him? This is all just some elaborate prank?
You see, that tiny, nagging thought in the back of my head keeps saying, “He might be leading you on. He might be trying to get you to fall for him, and then he’s going to hurt you. He’s going to make you pay for what you did to Josh.”
It’s not that I think Daniel’s capable of that. Well, I suppose I do if I’m thinking about it at all, but when I analyze the fear with my logical side, I know that he isn’t. He would never do that to me, or to anyone else, for that matter. Daniel isn’t cruel.
But still, that tiny, nagging thought in the back of my head continues to pop up at random times. Then I start to wonder, “What if it’s true? What then? How can I keep from getting hurt again?”
Those of you that have read through my Corin posts know that I was highly affected by that whole debacle. Corin hurt me, and badly. And we weren’t even dating!
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that there ISN’T a way to keep from getting hurt. I can’t turn off my feelings for Daniel, nor do I want to. If, at the end of the month, or year, or whenever, he turns to me and says, “Oh, I just wanted to let you know that this whole thing was a lie,” I will be greatly devastated.
Again, RATIONALLY there isn’t even a chance of this happening. I know that. It’s my insecurities that don’t realize it. I think that I will forever be doubting if he, or whatever guy I’m with at the time, truly likes me. I had enough trust issues BEFORE Corin ripped me to shreds, and since then... well, let’s just say that things aren’t pretty deep inside.
I guess what I’m saying is: I’m scared. I’m scared of being hurt, and I’m scared of caring about someone enough so that they can hurt me. But I think EVERYONE is scared of that, to some degree. At least, I hope so. I’d really like to be considered normal, for once.