Boy Disease

I have a disease.

Don't worry, it's nothing serious.

You see, I have this disease where pretty much every guy I am decent friends with ends up having "feelings" and wants to a) date me, b) kiss me, c) have fun adult time with me, or d) all of the above. It may not sound that bad - hey, at least guys like me, right? WRONG.

These guys are my FRIENDS. If I wanted to do any of those aforementioned things with them, I WOULD HAVE BY NOW. Yeah yeah yeah, feelings can develop after time, but that hasn't happened with me. I'm the type who knows how she feels the first time she meets someone, and it's rare for that to change. Mer.

I mean, really, it's becoming a problem. Telling them that I'm not interested makes me feel AWFUL, because they're my friends and I don't want to hurt their feelings. But I also don't want to lead them on. And as I'm a horrible flirt... that invariably happens. I've recently become a tease as well, trying to embrace my mother's legacy and leave a wake of yearning boys behind me. AS LONG AS I'M NOT ACTUALLY FRIENDS WITH THEM.

Let's see. The first time this happened was sophomore year. My friend Chris asked me out, and I had to tell him no. I almost cried over it, because it's just so awful to look at a guy who's staring at you all hopeful and tell him "Sorry, but we're just friends and there's no chance of that changing." We're still friends, but it was a little awkward after that.

Then there was Tanner. I've known him my whole life. We used to put frogs in the girls' bathroom at the campsite we went to every year. We fought (like, wrestling and punching and kicking and the whole shebang) all the time. Like the summer after sophomore year, he admitted to me that he'd been like in love with me forever. I'm pretty sure my face was screaming WHAT IS THIS WHAT ARE THESE WORDS YOU ARE LIKE MY BROTHER NO. Once again, we're still friends, but we don't fight anymore (I'm just NOT comfortable with that anymore, nuh uh). I don't even understand why he'd like me. I'm super mean to him.

Let's skip ahead to the worst one of all. Kyle, my BROTHER (well, not my real brother, but we told everyone at school we were so they'd leave us alone about dating) told me a few months ago that he likes me. A lot. And that he has since last year. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS. I'd always had this fear in the back of my head that this would happen - when he finally liked a girl, it would be me. And it came true. He was terribly sweet about the whole, very understanding about my distress (I couldn't help bawling into my hands at that point), and said that no matter what he was still my best friend. We're definitely still friends, and in fact went to see The Hunger Games together.

I'm sure there are worse things to be plagued with, but this is pretty bad, I think. I have to constantly hurt my friends, and because I'm selfish I don't leave them alone after all this, so they have to keep dealing with my flirting and my teasing and my awesomeness. Sigh. If I had stayed unattractive, I don't think this would be a problem...