Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Trauma Drama

Haognaoprhnapernaeriotpah.

That is the noise I am making right now. Don't try to pronounce it. It's one of those things where you either just randomly spurt it out, or you feel exactly the way I do right now. Which is a mixture of confused, sad, angry, and hesitant.

Why do I feel this way, you ask? You get three guesses. Nope, wrong. It has nothing to do with a sudden decision to join clown school to save money. It has to do with Corin. Of course. Gosh, you guys are thick.

There are a few things that are creating this lovely mixture of emotions. One of which is the fact that he ignored me for... 13 days, essentially. Near the end of that period he sent sporadic messages, but nothing like what we're used to. Only yesterday did we begin messaging each other for real again. So that caused the usual paranoia: he doesn't like me, he's changed his mind, I'm too annoying, etc.

Friday he was supposed to call me. Instead, he went to a party and got drunk. So we arranged for him to call this upcoming Wednesday. It now is not going to happen.

You see, he's decided to tell Juliet everything. Now, as to what "everything" is, I have no real idea. He said it meant everything that I said, and everything that he said. Now, as long as he doesn't tell her my name, that's fine. Whatever. But if he gives her my name, I'm ruined at college next year. So hopefully he won't mention it, either on purpose or unintentionally.

Now I'm sure you're wondering WHY he is going to tell her now, after it's been almost two months, and he's ignored me for nearly two weeks. I wondered myself, and asked. Corin's response, "I realized that I need to stop making mistakes in what I do... and when I do, I need to own up to them." Okay, OUCH. I mean, I know all of this wasn't good and could technically be classified as a "mistake," but still. That hurt. A lot. Like a lance through my heart.

This didn't make sense to me. After all, what made him realize this? Something had to. But I didn't ask, because I'm aware that most people find my incessant questions annoying. Also that it would make me come across as obsessive, when really I'm just very curious as to the motives behind people's actions. I DID ask "why now?" and he just said some nonsense about thinking this is the right time to say something.

Right time... to tell your long-term girlfriend that you've been interested in another girl... when she's driving 3+ hours to come stay with you for the weekend... huh. That certainly sounds like the right time to me. Any other time just wouldn't be right.

But anyway. I'm kind of freaking out. What in the world could this mean? My mother thinks I need to just wash my hands of him - there's no point to him telling Juliet about this. Either he should break up with her, or stop talking to me. It's that simple to her. I cannot keep things that... neat. I wish I could, because then I wouldn't be fretting over all of this.

I'm very worried that he's going to spin everything so that it looks like I initiated all of this. Corin isn't that bad of a guy, but still I worry. It's what most guys would do, especially when their girlfriend is going to be VERY angry with them.

And besides, telling her will result in one of two things, as far as I can see. Either she will break up with him and he'll blame me and stop talking to me, or she will stay with him and he will stop talking to me to preserve what little trust she has left. No matter which one happens, I lose someone that I really enjoy talking to, someone who can somewhat keep up with me. No matter which happens, I get hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's telling her. She deserves to know the truth, and to hear it from him instead of someone else. I just wish it wouldn't bring so much pain to me.

Anyway. That's pretty much everything. It's why I'll be extra snippy toward everyone I talk to, and why I'll randomly look queasy. Oh well. I'm going to try to distract myself with Peter Pan stories and exorbitant amounts of food and running.