Friday, September 9, 2011

Hatred Isn't Just for Slytherins and Gryffindors Anymore. Apparently Even Hufflepuffs Have the Mental Capacity for it.

There are some people in this world I just can't stand. Like the ones with the voice and faces from some place worse than Hell. But some people have a personality that makes it really difficult for me to remember everything I learned at anger management. Once again I find I need to create that rabid dog, spork, flamethrower hybrid so that I can inflict maximum pain and suffering.

David, a boy from my church, is certainly someone I have never been, am not, and could never be friends with. And yet we pretend to be, even going to the extent of being friends on Facebook. Don't worry, I'm really horrible to him so that everyone knows I don't really tolerate him, but sometimes it's very confusing as to why he even friended me in the first place. He hates me. I hate him. You'd think it'd be simple.

For some reason, we have never been friends. Even when we were in middle school, I just found something about him off-putting. I wasn't MEAN to him, but I didn't go out of my way to bake him cookies or anything. Krystal always thought he had a crush on me, and maybe that's where all this repressed rage is coming from. Cuz seriously, this guy needs to take a chill pill. I've met wet cats nicer than this guy.

As we got older, his longing for my attention grew into something much worse. David hated me. Hates me. I can't make a joke without him cursing at me, or calling me names, or saying something very offensive. Mostly I just laugh at him, because that seems to make him angrier and I'm all for making people upset. Occasionally, though, he legitimately worries me. Like once he sent me a message calling me a female dog and telling me that if I ever went near him he'd break my nose. As if I'd want to come within three feet of him. He looks like Robert Pattinson, and that's just icky.

Obviously, David and I were never meant to be anything more than acquaintances. We can't spend ten minutes together before one of us is scowling and saying things like "I wish a velociraptor would eat your face." Okay, that's me. He's not cool enough to think about using velociraptors as weapons.

Anyway, what brought this on was a VERY nasty comment he left on Facebook today. I had found this hilarious video about the Hogwarts Houses, and how Hufflepuff is kind of dumb (no offense to any Hufflepuffs out there. I'm a Slytherin, I have to be mean). As David is proud of looking like Robert Pattinson (I have no idea why, like I said, icky), he claims to be a Hufflepuff just like Cedric Diggory. As we hadn't been fighting at all, and he's one of the two people who actually wants to be a Hufflpuff, I put the link on his wall and told him he'd probably hate it. You know, as a joke. Because that's what people do on Facebook. They post videos and comments on other people's walls as jokes.

Well, he reacted somewhat normally. He posted on my wall that she is blonde, so it's not the same and doesn't count against Hufflepuffs. I posted on HIS wall that she quite OBVIOUSLY was wearing a wig. Or that she had messed up in Charms, which wouldn't be surprising, because she's a Hufflepuff and we all know Hufflepuffs are only good finders.

This, apparently, was the wrong thing to say. David replied with "f u c k y o u whats it matter? huh? it doesnt." Obviously seperating the letters in "fuck you" makes it less offensive. Or maybe more offensive. It's really ambiguous, and I don't want to ask just in case that makes him say something else with weird spacing. It's as if he thought I was being serious, which is just plain ridiculous as anyone who's known me for at least five minutes knows I'm very rarely serious.

I don't know, guys. Should I be all angry and say "well d a m n y ou because I h a t e y o u" to show him that two can play at this game? Maybe. But I've already told him that he needs to simmer and that I've created this invention called a joke, and you're not supposed to take me seriously. I guess we'll see how THAT goes over. Though I'm kind of curious as to what the adults we're mutually friends with will say when they see this. If they do, that is. I don't know how often they creep on his page.

Pretty much this just means that if you have no sense of humour and an exorbitant amount of rage, you shouldn't talk to me. I'll just make you incapable of saying mean things with regular spacing. Nobody wants that.

PS. Apparently velociraptor isn't a word and should be velocipede instead. I don't even know what that MEANS. And I read the dictionary regularly.

UPDATE: Apparently my jokes are immature and make me look like a b i t c h (he didn't spell it like that this time, but hey, it's all about consistency), and they're annoying. You would've thought someone would have told me by now. Which is what I said to him. He just said that because we haven't talked about Harry Potter for months, it's not funny anymore. Uhm, what? Harry Potter jokes are ALWAYS funny. Though I've apparently made it "unfunny" which is even more ridiculous because everyone knows I'm freaking hysterical. And I've "worn his patience thin" which makes him sound like a middle aged man.

UPDATE: Any Hufflepuffs I may have offended, I'm sorry. I know 99% of you aren't like this guy. I know like two (maybe more, it's not like I keep track) of you that are actually really nice and great. For Hufflepuffs, anyway.