Saturday, June 9, 2012


Like any teenage girl (although I believe that all people have this problem; teenage girls just vocalize it more often), I have a problem with obsessing over things. Of becoming a "fan girl". I'll latch onto something or someone and just go completely rabid over it.

Now, I don't do this with, you know, real people. Well, I mean, like people I know. It only happens with strangers and fictional creations.

I'm sure knowing what exactly I obsess over is something you all want to know. I know I would. So here you go:

Fictional Male Characters. I'm one of the fan girls that I love to make fun of, and that's why I can be so damn accurate. My main literary loves: Fang from the Maximum Ride series (although only the first three; after that, the series just goes downhill and Fang isn't Fang anymore and it makes me sad). William Perry from the His Dark Materials series. Cadvan from the Books of Pellinor series. Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights (he's just so delightfully awful!). Lucas from the book so aptly titled Lucas. Peter Pan, and if you don't know where he's from, you're just stupid.

Taylor Lautner. Yeah, yeah, he was in Twilight and I hate Twilight. This does not change the fact that the man is gorgeous. I mean, hello, he's tall, tan, with dark hair, brown eyes, and abs I want to lick molten chocolate off of. There's no shame in that, I think.

Zachary Quinto, but only really when he's playing Spock. I always loved Spock, and then you throw in a gorgeous man like Quinto and I'm just dead. That new(ish) Star Trek movie may have been ridiculous and it may have changed the whole thing and it may not be as amazing as I like to think, but Quinto did an impeccable job as Spock and I'll be damned if anyone can convince me otherwise.

Lucas Bryant. He plays Nathan on the show Haven, which I've mentioned briefly. The man has the bone structure of a god and is just so delicious that I would steal him away from his wife and child if I thought I stood a chance (I don't. He's a family man, which makes him EVEN MORE DESIRABLE).

If you're not catching onto a theme here, you're incredibly dense.

Starkid. They're the creative minds of such beauty as A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, Me and My Dick, Holy Musical B@man, and Apocalyptour. Of this amazing, beautiful group, two stand out: Joe Walker and Lauren Lopez. Joe is attractive in a non-conventional way (he still has abs that I want to do naughty things to, but still), and I am mostly attracted to him because of his acting ability. He's been a penis, Voldemort, Umbridge, and Batman. As for Lauren Lopez, if I were a lesbian I would totally marry her and try to have her children. She's hilarious and a brilliant actress.

Parasites. I think they're the coolest thing since air conditioning. I prefer animal ones to viruses or bacteria, although I'm not gonna be picky if the thing is vicious enough. Many a time my parents have had to tell me that I'm not allowed to discuss them at the table, and they've banned me from watching Monsters Inside Me for obvious reasons (the decision came after I told my mother that I didn't give a damn about the people or what happened to them, I just wanted to know about the parasite). Of course, all this knowledge has made me a touch paranoid: I won't touch red meat unless it's been thoroughly cooked and there's no pink, and you couldn't get me to drink pond water if I were dying of thirst. After all, I think they're cool to KNOW about. Not to have inside me.

Jeremy Wade. He's a fisherman who is the star of the show River Monsters. He's British and sorta old and for an old man he is extraordinarily attractive. Or at least I think so. Most people (including my mother) disagree, but I find him very desirable. What with the accent, and the bright blue eyes, and the gorgeous white hair (yeah, his hair is white. I mean, he's not like 80 or anything, I think he's in his fifties. He used to have black hair). And his ability to speak Portuguese. And his love for fish (he tries to always let them go, unless he's specifically fishing for food). I just ahhhhh every time I watch the show.

And most recently: Terrance Zdunich. He played Graverobber in REPO! The Genetic Opera. I saw this yesterday, and thus began my obsession. Graverobber, from his first appearance, was my favourite character. He was hot (in the dark, gothic, creepy way), and had a voice made of pure sex. Like, my mouth went dry and salivated all at the same time. Just thinking about him/hearing him talk/sing makes it happen. Weird. I've bought Zydrate Anatomy, and putting it on repeat doesn't seem like enough. So I've been researching a little. He likes cockroaches, which I can totally respect considering my own love for nasty parasites. And he's very eloquent, and very talented at all five porpskillion things he does.

So yeah. That pretty much covers it all. If I think of anything else, I'll add it to the list. I'm sure you're all wondering what would happen if I met any of the REAL people I'm obsessed with.

I'd like to think that I'd be totally chill. Like, there wouldn't be any jumping or squealing or any of the annoying stuff like that. Knowing me, I'd be like, "Wait, aren't you (insert random obsession here)? Huh. Cool. I'm Hattie." Then we'd shake hands or whatever and I'd mention that I'm a fan and get an autograph. I'd be my usual charming self, and probably end up best friends with the person in question. Of course, inside I'd be screaming at the top of my lungs and dying. But it wouldn't show. This is why it pays to be a good actress.