Monday, November 26, 2012

I Tried to Post This Sooner, I Swear

It's Thanksgiving today, and I've finally found time to blog. I'm soooooo sorry for neglecting y'all!

Haha, that was the opening I started on Thanksgiving, but then my parents needed me to go to the grocery store and buy gravy. It was something about the previous gravy being burned, or whatever. I don't know. I don't cook. When I got back from the store, the family was here and I had to get ready for work and I didn't have time to come back to this, because I got like no sleep from then until now.

BUT I'M BACK NOW, SO BE HAPPY.

Life is... interesting. Those of you who are subscribed to me on YouTube (which I've also been neglecting) know that I've started playing Dungeons and Dragons on Tuesday nights. Guess who with?

Wrong. Not a unicorn. That would be much cooler.

I'm playing with Patrick and Daniel. Yes, THAT Daniel. Is this a good idea? I've no idea yet. We get along just fine, because I'm the type of person who only gets tetchy if the other person does. Of course, I was a bit worried about awkwardness, but considering that I'm stuck in a permanent awkward state, this wouldn't be too surprising or anything I couldn't handle.

However...

A few things bother me. Daniel has a tendency to say things that confuse me. In that he says things that hint at being attracted to me on some level, when he said he's not. Things along the lines that he wishes all girls were like me. NEWS FLASH, if all girls were like me, HE WOULDN'T LIKE THEM. But I digress.

He also checks me out on occasion, which isn't all THAT surprising because no matter his opinion on my personality, there's no denying that I am physically attractive. Still, though. You'd think he'd be a bit more discreet about it.

I invited my friend Brandon to join us for Dungeons and Dragons, because he's always wanted to play and asked if he could come. After asking our dungeon master for permission, I brought him along. Daniel's response (not while Brandon was there, thank goodness) was to ask me if I were going to bring everyone who asked to join us. While he seemed to be kidding, he DID act standoffish with Brandon most of the night.

When I talked to Brandon afterward, Brandon said that Daniel FOR SURE liked me. That all of his expressions and attitudes and stupid things he did to get my attention were definite signs. Of course, I laughed at this theory, but it percolated in my brain for a while and I got a little paranoid.

What if he DID like me? What would I do? Because I wasn't sure of my own feelings (I didn't think I liked him, although I still found him physically attractive - those teeth, man, they do something to me), I had to talk to Krystal.

She's of the opinion that he DOES like me, that he always DID like me, and never STOPPED liking me. She thinks he's just too stupid and proud to say or do anything about it.

Now, of course, I've spoken with Patrick about it. He disagrees with Krystal and Brandon's assessment, and thinks that Daniel just doesn't realize what he's doing. I think this likely, and hope it to be the case. More than likely, we'll never know. I don't plan on asking him (because that would make it look like I'm interested in him again, and I'm NOT, I'm NOT), and he's not the type to say anything about it.

Anyway. I've been fretting over this, wondering what I'm feeling and hoping that it's all just in my head so that I can just ignore it and focus more on, you know, writing and reading and singing and all the other things I actually enjoy.

So, I'm sure you're wondering what I'm feeling, and I'll try to sum it up for you.

I'm confused. I do not like Daniel again, mostly because I don't trust him or what anyone claims to know about him. I do still find him physically attractive, and would not mind his mouth on mine (or his teeth on my skin, but that's probably not normal and I'll pretend I didn't say that), but that is the extent of any romantic feeling toward him. If it turned out that he does like me (and actually, you know, says it to me), I'd probably go into shock, or cry, and tell him that it wouldn't work out and he should just leave me alone.

Overall, I just really wish that this could all go away. I don't like worrying that I might start liking him again. I don't like worrying that I might not start liking him again if he does like me, and I'll end up hurting him. I hate, HATE hurting guys when they like me. It rips me to shreds inside.

Oh, I almost forgot. Daniel commented on a couple of my statuses on Facebook. One of which was a status about how my daddy, grandpa, and uncle set the bar too high for any boy to really win my affection. (Note, when I say affection, I mean in a way more than simply liking a guy and wanting to date him.) He first said "Damn." Then, immediately after, "Oh, wait." I have no clue what this means, if he was talking about my status, about the comment above his, and what it would mean in relation to either one.

Apparently, this upset Josh. (Patrick told me this the other day, while we were at Waffle House at like 2 in the morning.) Well, not upset him, but irritated him. WHY, I have NO FREAKING CLUE. Patrick didn't explain it particularly well, saying something about it being because it was DANIEL, not because it was ME, and I don't know what that means, so I just rolled my eyes and gave a skeptical laugh.

Anyway. That's just stuff I've been dealing with. I'm sure all the worrying has added to my lack of writing during this NaNo season (which I've extended into December, ask me if I care). Hopefully it'll all leave me alone soon, so that I can get back to only experiencing stress during The Walking Dead and Haven.