Thursday, July 19, 2012

What Happened with Josh, because I Know Y'all are a Curious Bunch

I'm sure that after the last post, y'all have been very curious about what happened with Josh. Well. The fast response is: I ended up liking Daniel, his best friend, as well as him, and that really upset him (which is completely understandable). We are no longer dating, although we're trying out the friends thing.

The longer response is: I ended up liking Daniel. Josh wasn't that good of a fit for me (I did mention hating surprises in the flower post, yes?), and unfortunately Daniel seemed to be a better one. As to why Josh wasn't a good fit: he was all romantic, and was a bit clingy (always holding hands and putting his arm around me and such, which is fine when I want it, but in general I'm not a fan of being touched), and he was just plain gooey. Daniel was more sarcastic and flirtatious, which we all know I like.

So yeah. The text Josh sent me after I told him how I felt about Daniel (he asked, because he had a feeling that I was interested) read:

Hattie, you aren't messed up. In fact, I think you are a very unique individual. Daniel and I are more alike than you know and it just saddens me because I put up a mask when we met. I put up this mask whenever I speak to anyone in public because it is a more socially accepted version of myself. Sadly, it seems as though this was all you knew. I do apologize for possibly making you uncomfortable any time I would try holding hands, kissing, or even giving you those flowers, but that was the only thing I ever learned about any form of dating. If you had known once I had given you the flowers that you would be upsetting me later on, I wish you had said something versus giving me a false sense of security. As much as it pains me to say it, or text it in this instance, I will, indeed, have to drop out of contact with you for fear of being a major asshole because I feel betrayed not just by you, but by one of my best friends as well. I know neither one of you did this on purpose to hurt me and I don't want to deny those feelings, but this entire experience took its toll on me. I'm ready to wear these battle scars proud and go back to my depressing-free life.

Instead of responding to that with explanations, I just told him to come here and see my apology. I have no clue if he saw it. The next day, however, Josh texted me again. And this is the conversation we had:

J: So, if I had been less romantic, more open, and didn't apologize each time I had bumped into you, would you have liked me better? That is kind of depressing to think about since the most fun I had with you was when we were thumb wrestling like cheaters. I very much so enjoy roughhousing and wish that I might have initiated more with you. You know, I had been thinking, and I can to the conclusion that this whole even wouldn't be nearly as depressing for me had it not been one of my best friends. Also, as a totally unrelated side note and just my opinion, I don't think you should ever do a valley girl accent again because it's kind of creepy to be completely honest.

H: It's not about liking you better. There are some things I just don't like, such as romance, that you didn't know about. We've known each other all of a week, so it's not surprising that you didn't know. I had fun then. Yeah, I don't like touching, but if I initiate it I really love roughhousing. It's complicated. I'm really sorry that I developed feelings for Daniel, but it's not like I wanted to. When I realized I had, I was very upset. I'm not a Vulcan. My valley girl thing is supposed to be. So. Yeah.

J: Right, but all of my preconceived notions of dating involved what I had done. I'm not very familiar with how to play the dating game, so sorry it came across as awkward. Don't be sorry that you developed feelings for Daniel, it isn't something someone can control, like in my instance, it is you. I don't think you quite understand when you say you are messed up, that appeals to me. I don't like normal girls. In fact, in the past 7 years I've only developed feelings for 4 women, yourself included. Also, I really wish you had said something to me the moment you started liking Daniel and that you didn't like the surprise when I brought it to you. It hurts because I feel deceived and honesty goes a long way with me. If you hadn't told me because you wanted me to have confidence and leave from my vacation feeling better although your feelings weren't completely in it, then I most definitely feel pitied and that is not something I would ever want. I think the false sense of security came from the sky ride at Busch Gardens and you told me I didn't have to worry about your feelings for Daniel, although I had constantly felt a vide that you had. That might have been another reason I wasn't so forward with you.

H: When I say I'm messed up, I don't mean that I'm weird. I mean that I have severe emotional issues that have taken me years to get to this level of handling things. And what you did wasn't wrong, just wrong for me. Most like all of that stuff. I just don't. It makes me twitchy. At Busch Gardens I had a slight crush, not anything worth worrying about. I wouldn't want to know about you liking another girl's ass, it's just a passing thought. Same principle. I never pitied you, I did like you! It's not impossible for someone to have feelings for more than one person. And yeah, telling you that I hate surprises should have been done, but I still thought it was sweet. Would I want it to happen again? No.

J: I don't want to make you twitchy. I actually hadn't looked at any other girl with desire while we were there. I guess that is true. *points to polygamy* But, as you had just said, you DID like me.

H: Seriously? That's a little strange. Even I noticed girls more attractive than myself. Not sure if you're highlighting the did because I had, or to point out the tense.

J: I had other things on my mind like you and Daniel, so yes, it's a little hard to concentrate on other people. And the former, not the latter.

H:  You had no reason to worry at that point! I told you that day that I'm a flirt. I flirt with everyone. Daniel wasn't anything more than a slight attraction at that point, something I thought I could get over.

J: Obviously you hadn't, but it is whatever. I'm depressed and infuriated at the situation and I'm trying to relieve those feelings by talking (texting) about it, but it doesn't seem to be working. I would suggest that you give me a second chance now that I know more about who you are, but with me going away anyway and you possible no longer interested in this awesome individual, it would be pointless to try and pursue that I believe, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

H: I would have been, but this whole conversation has proved that you and I wouldn't work. All you've accomplished is making me feel guilty and irate. I thought we could still be friends, but as you're unsure of what you want, I think it's best we just not talk until you can handle it.

J: Haha, okay.

H: Seriously? Seriously? What the FUCK. I can't even. Just. Ugh.

J: I don't believe my text messages were an accurate representation of what I was trying to convey. I apologize for making you feel that way. Once again, that haha wasn't meant as an "I'm glad you feel that way", but rather it seemed as though all I had done was dig myself a deeper hole. I want you to know that I have no ill feelings towards you even if you do towards me sure to my faulty conveyance. It would have been better to discuss this face to face. I'm sorry. I do know exactly what I want. You without a repeat of this.

H: It's okay, I guess. I have learned to express my anger and then let it go. This would have been better in person, yes. Well. I'm sorry, but for now, that's impossible.

J: The depression has been CURED... Well, mostly anyways. Thanks for the talk, you made my day better just by the way. I would much rather have you as a friend than not at all, but of course, I would still want more than that. I value and respect you, so you know.

H: Well, I'm glad that you're feelings better. Starting off as friends sounds like a good plan to me.

And that's where we've left things off. I definitely won't date him again, at least not now. If, in a year, we're in a similar place and are interested, I might go out with him again. But otherwise... no.

UPDATED: Oh, and just so's y'all know, Daniel wasn't interested in me. He didn't do anything beyond flirt back when I flirted with him.