Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I'm Pretty Bipolar Right Now

This breakup just isn't going well for me.

Some of you may have expected more posts, but I really didn't want to subject y'all to the changeable nature of my emotions right now. My mood and outlook change hourly, if not minutely. Sometimes, I'm okay. In fact, I'd say that most of the time, I'm okay. That's thanks to being a busy person, and not having TIME to think about anything.

But any time I'm alone or not actively working on something or what I'm working on doesn't take real thought, I'm not okay.

At all.

And while y'all haven't had to deal with that, Daniel has. Because as we've discussed before, I really have very little self-control. He's seen me go from okay (last Friday) to sad (Monday) to angry and sad (Tuesday) to sad and resigned (today). I'm lucky he's so laid back, because a normal guy would probably tell me to shut up and leave him alone.

To summarize: I thought I was okay last week. I was doing great, and I was happy 99% of the time, and I could talk to him without feeling upset. He sent me a picture of a puppy, and I told him about finding the rings I thought I had lost. I sent him a pick-up line that had amused me. Things were normal.

Then, on Monday, I found out he wasn't going to be at Patrick's on Tuesday. I had been really looking forward to seeing him and proving to myself that I was okay. Of course, I learned that I wasn't okay. The fact that he wasn't going to be there made me so upset that it really is ridiculous.

Because I'd had some questions for him, and by the end of the day after dwelling on how he wouldn't be there, I had even more. So I typed them up and sent them to him. I knew he'd probably just get mad.

Tuesday, we talked somewhat normally, because I started a conversation with him. And as I'm rather stupid and curious, I mentioned that he probably hadn't read what I sent him yet. He had. I was right. He was angry. Angry that I'd basically send him an email with the questions instead of asking him in person.

Now, I can see why he'd be upset by that, but I mentioned in the document that I'd wanted to ask them in person. And who knew when the next chance to see him would be.

All in all, we got things boiled down to this: I'm pretty much in the beginning stages of being in love with him. And he likes me, but he doesn't like me. I'm in this grey area where I could fall either way for him. There is nothing I can do to get him to make up his mind, even though I'm in agony waiting.

If he's here next Tuesday, I probably won't be. I'll be playing volleyball, because I can't stand this. If I can, I'm going to try to not see him or talk to him until he figures out what I am to him and how he feels about me.

I really am grateful that he's been so understanding and nice about all this. Because I know I haven't been the picture of sane. But I think that's okay, because I'm pretty much a huge mess.

I want to tell him about the interesting or cool things that happen to me.

I want to hear about the interesting or cool things that happen to him.

I just want him, really. Even if he's boring that day.