Wednesday, April 10, 2013

In Case You're Really Dense

My last post, Single, is because, well, I'm single now.

Daniel and I broke up. In all honesty, he broke up with me.

I am very sad.
I feel hollow inside.

I wish I didn't. I wish I were stronger. Capable of just shrugging this off and saying, "Oh well, your loss." But it's not just his loss. It's mine. Daniel is a great guy. He cares about others, and wants to help others. However, he knows that he can't give me what I want.

What I wanted was for him to, you know, make me feel special. Talk to me. Want to see me more often. But that's not who he is. Daniel doesn't want or need to see/talk to people more often than once a week or on occasion. Me... I'm okay with not seeing him that often, but I needed him to talk to me, even just to say hi or ask about my day. Nothing complicated.

He just isn't that person, and he can't make himself be that person. It's a good thing we broke up, before I got even more involved with him, before I came close to saying the "L" word. Because I think I would have, eventually. In another three months, possibly.

For right now, though, I can't really see the logic behind this. All I can see is that he's gone, that he doesn't think I'm worth trying for; and that's not fair to him. It's not that. It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with him, and what he wants and is capable of giving. Now I just have to convince myself of that.

Because it's not that he doesn't like me. He did. He still does. He wants to be with me, but he knows he can't. He isn't ready to be my boyfriend, and he wishes he had known that before, to save all this heartache. Although I wouldn't call it heartache. Heart absence, really.

Daniel, if you read this... don't worry about me being sad or hollow or anything. I really do understand why you had to break up with me. You did the right thing, the noble thing.

That's what makes this so hard, though. That I couldn't hold onto a decent guy. That I couldn't convince him to change his mind.

I don't know when I'll be able to see him again. I don't know if I ever will. That's why, last night, I told Daniel goodbye. Because I can't see him for a while. If I do, I'll probably cry again, or end up kissing him again, and that is not conducive to moving on.

I lost a good one, guys.

I lost.