My Future Husband

ZOMG OZZIE IS BACK ON SURVIVOR. THIS IS SO GREAT I THINK I MIGHT DIE. LIKE SERIOUSLY, SOMEONE CALL A PARAMEDIC BECAUSE I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

Okay. Now I can hopefully talk about this with some dignity. If I randomly spurt love and affection for Ozzie, though, I apologize. I can't help it. He's kind of the most perfect creation ever, so... I get a little overexcited.

For those of you who don't know who Ozzie is, let me enlighten you.

Ozzie appeared on Survivor years ago. From the beginning he was the strongest competitor. He won challenges, he got food, he built camp... basically, he was an all around Survivor badass capable of decimating the competition with his skills and dashing good looks and charm.

Inevitably the other competitors grew wary of him, and decided to get rid of him. They had no chance though, as he kept winning immunity. But the time came for a challenge that didn't offer immunity, and they got their chance. Ozzie was voted off. I cried all week.

The other competitors quickly realized their mistake. None of them had realized just how used to Ozzie's presence they were. He provided 95% of their food. He fixed things when they broke. He pretty much owned them, and they got rid of him. It took like two days for them to figure out that maybe they had made a super dumb idea.

At the end of that season, it came down to two girls who couldn't even start a fire. WITH MATCHES. I forget how many hours it took until someone won, but I'm fairly certain it was over six. When it came to the vote of the people who had lost, Ozzie pretty much said, "Neither of you deserve to win. You can't even light a fire. You've lived on an island for a month, and you can't. Light. A. Fire." That's right, Ozzie. You tell them.

After that fiasco, I stopped watching Survivor. If a girl without basic survival knowledge could win, then the system was flawed. There was no hope for future seasons. When I heard about previous competitors coming back a year or two ago, I got excited. Maybe Ozzie would return! Unfortunately he didn't, so I didn't care.

People talk about Russell being the ultimate player. I'll admit, he knows how to manipulate people. But that's not a survivor in my eyes. Ozzie is the ultimate display of survivor skills. He could actually live on an island and not suffer from malnutrition.

Side note: If Ozzie and I had children, their hair would be PHENOMENAL. It would be brown and curly and shiny and full and lovely.

That's pretty much it. I shall be watching Survivor this season, and if Ozzie gets voted off, there will be hell to pay.