Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ugh Men Part 2

So let's continue. As I said, this is sort of serious, but not really because I'm apparently incapable of being serious about anything, even my own horrible feelings.

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah. How I can't keep from admitting how I feel. I really shouldn't have done that, as it's made things about twelve porpskillion (word courtesy of Hyperbole and a Half) times worse. Obviously I should have stuck with the slightly sympathetic yet still aloof approach. It's much more attractive anyway. Now that he knows how I feel (though not the severity, because I'd never admit something like that to anyone), things are exponentially worse than they could have gotten had I kept my mouth shut. Or my fingers still. Whatever. I can't seem to keep from saying things I shouldn't, which just makes things much more difficult and horrible for both of us. Aren't I a lovely person?

Honestly, I'm far too close to just saying "Screw this, I'll do whatever necessary to keep him." Which is so out of line I'm surprised I haven't fallen over a cliff. I have no desire to become a thing on the side, or the "other woman" or whatever else you call a mistress. Though is it really a mistress if he isn't married? That's a question for another day. But I digress. Obviously I have to cut off these feelings, but that's proving extra-hard because, well, I have no impulse control. Thus the reason I've taken to staying up until 2 in the morning (and I usually go to bed at 10, so that's WAY late), and sitting in front of the computer for hours just to wait to talk to him.

Yesterday I cut myself off, and I think he did too. I went for a run to avoid thinking about anything (and I hate running, so that's a pretty extreme measure), and watched River Monsters so that I could lust after Jeremy Wade and not feel bad about having such feelings for someone. Yet still, my mind would return to the issue of Corin and our non-relationship that wants to join the cool relationship table in the lunchroom.

Ugh. I'm a horrible person. I ask Corin questions I shouldn't, end up saying things that intrigue him and make him want me. If I was a good person, I'd be as boring and non-enticing as possible so that he'd stop liking me. But that would be lying, and this is the Veracious blog, so I try to be as veracious as possible both in real life and online.

Almost Boyfriend (a guy I nearly dated but then we didn't and now we're just friends) says I'm not a terrible person. He purports that this isn't anything I could've foreseen or controlled. When Corin and I started talking, it wasn't my goal to seduce him, or even a possibility. I just enjoyed talking to him. Even when he first expressed interest, I didn't like him or want him. It wasn't until weeks later that I started feeling anything, and then I felt so horrible that I just stuffed the feelings under the Sparklies Box in my brain. It's filled with lots of distracting things, and is really heavy, so I thought it would work reasonably well. I was wrong.

Yet even if he broke up with his girlfriend, it's not likely that we'd be together. He lives 1.5 hours away. We don't really have any mutual friends, and all of his friends like his current girlfriend and are friends with her. I'd essentially be a stranger, and we all know about Stranger Danger. His younger sister is my age, which is kind of awkward, even though he's only like four years older than I am. A relationship is about as plausible as the gremlins returning all the stuff they stole from me. And yet, I can't help hoping. For the gremlins to return my stuff, along with the relationship. But mostly for the gremlins.

Okay, let's move on to part three. I promise, once that one's done, I'm done. I swear it on my copy of the His Dark Materials series, and as that's my favourite series EVER, that's pretty severe. I'd have to cut off my hand or something if I lied to you after swearing on it.